Plot for Family Guy

Written on MS Word Pad (Go to hell MS Office - I like it basic)

by

Daniel 'The Devil' Daly

PS  (Leaving out the Butler Boy as requested)


Episode 666 - The Dark Side of the Farce


Opening Scene:  Coming into Disneyland.  Peter dressed as Han Solo, Cleveland dressed as Lando Calrissian, driving car.


Peter:  'Cleveland Brown.  I am not a homosexual.'


Cleveland:  'It's ok Peter.  What's a dirty little secret between two bosom buddies such as ourselves.'


Peter:  'Aaagh.  Bosom buddies?  You make it sound so...'


Cleveland:  (smiling) 'Gay?'


Peter:  'I am not gay!'


Cleveland:  'Many gay men have difficulty coming out.'


Peter:  (talking to himself)  'Brian.  Now he's gay.'


Cleveland:  'But there are all sorts of support networks now.'


Peter:  (talking to himself)  'And that Stuey.  He's always made me wonder.'


Cleveland:  'I could be gay.'  


Peter:  (talking to himself) 'Chris seems to like girls.'


Cleveland:  'So you have plenty of people to support you.'


Peter:  (talking to himself)  'But his He-Man action figures have always made me wonder.'


Cleveland:  'Peter.  Are you listening to me?'


Peter:  'Shut up, shut up, shut up.  We're nearly there.'



Car drives on further.


Peter: 'Oh my God.  Its Luke Skywalker and Han Solo.'

Car drives past and it isn't Mark Hammill or Harrison Ford, but two guys dressed up as luke and han solo

Peter (realizing its not the real actors)

'Awww, nuts.'


Peter: (as they park and exit car) 'You think a guy could get an even break.  All my life I have worshipped the throne of George Lucas.'


Flash to George Lucas inspecting his toilet saying ''Thanks Peter.  Its looking good'


Peter: 'And all I ask is that Mark Hammill and Harrison Ford show up so I can get a photo with them.  Is that asking too much?


Cleveland: 'I'm sure the REAL Luke Skywalker will be at the opening.  Come on Peter, stop doing that.'


Peter: asking a kid to photo him and the two guys dressed up as Luke and Han who start doing poses

and the kid takes a few shots and runs off with the camera.


Cleveland: 'You should be more careful with who you trust.'


Peter:  'Shut up, shut up, shut up.  We're here.'


Scene shows 'Star Wars World' on big sign, and a scrolls over a park full of Star Wars rides and attractions.


Peter:  'Star wars world.  With the best PG13 entertainment a faraway galaxy has to offer. Pod racing'

Scene shows pods coming down water slide with passengers screaming


Peter:  'Light saber battles'

Scene shows a mob of kids with star wars masks all fighting it out


Peter:  'Mastering the force'

A guy dressed as a storm trooper without his helmet closes his eyes and points at an X-Wing

A control room worker pushes a button and slender fishing line lifts the X Wing up on a pulley

Audience cheers


Peter:  'Jar Jar Binks execution chamber'

Scene shows Jar Jar seated on an electric chair and saying 'Meesa?'


Peter:  'Yep.  Everything that an American Dad could ask for.'


Guy from American Dad:  'They forgot the pretzels.'


Peter:  'Except Pretzels.'


Cleveland:  'I'm sure there will be plenty of pretzels at the opening.  Now come on.  Shake your moneymaker.'


They enter the large auditorium



Next Scene:  Inside the auditorium


Peter:  Wow (at all the people dressed as Star Wars characters, flashes through various characters and finishes with Alf, ET and Big Bird


Peter:  'Come on.  let's get a front seat.'


Cleveland:  'We have tickets, remember.'


Peter:  Looks at ticket with Row Z Seat 25 on it.  They find the row at the back row of the auditorium. 'For crying out loud.'



Next Scene:  They are seated and view flashes to front stage, voice comes over speakers and says

'Welcome, one and all, to the greatest event this side of Coruscant.  Star Wars World grand opening, with the Galaxies greatest and most daring attractions.  And now, to get the party started, the creator of Star Wars himself, George Lucas.'

Lights flash onto George coming onto the stage and audience cheers.


George:  'Welcome everyone to 'Star Wars World', and yes, Mark Hammill and Harrison Ford will be signing autographs shortly.  I just wanted to give a warm hello to all my lifelong devoted fans.'


Peter:  'That's me.'


George Lucas:  'And, remember.  May the force be with you.'  George takes out a light saber and battles a storm trooper who comes on stage.



Next Scene:  Peter is mixing in the audience, and talking with a couple of Storm Troopers.


Stormtrooper One:  'Ya just gotta hold it, ok.  And believe me, they don't like you interrupting scenes just to take a crap.'


Peter:  'Lifes a bitch.'


Stormtrooper Two:  'And do you know how hot it gets in one of these things?  Especially out in that Tunisian desert.'


Peter:  'You mean Tatooine?'


Stormtrooper:  'Uh, yeh.  Whatever.'


Cleveland:  'Come on, Peter.  Luke and Han are about to come in.'


Peter:  'Oh, goodie.'


George Lucas:  'Now, the moment you have been waiting for.  Luke Skywalker and Han Solo.'  Audience cheer as Mark Hammill and Harrison Ford come on stage.'


Luke:  Taking the microphone, 'May the Force be with you.'


Han:  Taking the microphone, 'I parked the Millennium Falcon out in the parking lot, so we better make this quick.'  Audience laughs.


George Lucas:  Taking back microphone, 'Ok, now line up here and Luke and Han will pose for photos.  And see you at the LA Convention.'


Peter:  'Oh, goodie' and they line up at the back of a long cue



Next Scene:  Peter and Cleveland are the next in line, and show workers tell Mark and Harrison they are finished for the night. leaving peter without his photos.


Peter:  'Aww. nuts'


Cleveland:  'Don't worry Peter.  There is always next year.'


Peter:  'Shazbat to next year.'



Next Scene: Driving car


Peter:  mumbling to himself, 'Years of devotion, and they screw me.'


Cleveland:  'What are you mumbling about?'


They pull up to the traffic lights and 'Turn to the Dark Side' is written on the back of the van in front of them


Peter: continues mumbling to himself when himself, dressed as the emperor, appears on his right shoulder and says,' Go ahead.  they screwed you.  turn to the dark side.'  Himself, dressed as Yoda appers on his left shoulder and says, 'Don't give in to the power of the dark side, Peter.'  The emporer pulls out a laser gun, shoots yoda, and says, 'As I was saying.  Turn to the dark side.'


Peter:  'Yeh.  I will.'


Cleveland:  'What was that Peter?'


Peter:  Eyebrows narrow.  'Nothing Cleveland Brown.'



Next Scene:  At home


Meg (in kitchen with Lois):  There's something different about dad


Peter (Seated on lounge - dressed in Darth Vader robes without the helmet)


Lois:  He's just going through a phase


Peter :  Clenches fist, Brian walks in and starts choking, reaches for his own throat and collapses on ground


Meg:  He's killed the garbageman, the milkman and the paperboy


Peter:  Looking ominous with music


Lois:  He just needs to express himself


Peter:  points to the TV and it explodes


Meg:  Something happened to him at that convention


Peter:  rises and walks like a possessed man into the kitchen  says 'I must go now'  leaves


Meg (after Peter leaves):  see


Lois:   Mmmm (with worried look)



Next Scene:  Peter enters gun store


Peter looks around store.


Looks at handguns.  Says 'Ahh, nah.'


Looks at Crossbows.  'Not enough firepower.'


Looks at rifles.  'Getting warmer.'


Looks at Machine Guns.  'Perfect.'


Sees Bazookas.  'Whoah mama.' 


Finds a bazooka, goes to counter.


Peter:  (Points)  'How much for the Bazooka?'


Gun Store Salesman:  'That's a beautie.  45 Big Ones.'


Peter:  'Hundreds?'


Gun Store Salesman:  'You must be kidding.  Thousands.'


Peter:  'Mmmm.  I don't think so.' 

Clenches fist - Salesman starts choking, reaches for throat and collapses - Peter grins.

As Peter leaves the store with the Bazooka the Salesman manages to push a button under the counter alerting the cops.  

Outside the store Peter points the bazooka at the store and says 'Witness the Power - of the Dark Side'.

Peter fires Bazooka at store which blows up.



Next Scene:  On TV they show the gun store all in flames, and interview the salesman, who is all in bandages being taken into an ambulance, who says, 'It was Darth Vader I tell you.'  Ambulance men say 'It sure was' (thinking the guy is crazy).


Reporter:  As of yet the police have no leads (flashes to cops in donut store opposite burning gun store, eating donuts, watching the gun store burn.)


Meg:  Dad's gone nuts


Lois:   Mmmm (with worried look)



Next Scene:  Police captain and officer Callaghan


Police Captain:  I'm assigning this one to you, Harry.  Don't mess it up.


Harry:  (With Dirty Harry voice).  It's Scorpio.  I'd know his work anywhere.


Police Captain:  Scorpio's dead, Harry.


Harry:  I know its Scorpio.  I smell his handiwork in every detail.


Police Captain:  You killed Scorpio 3 decades ago, Harry.


Harry:  Even now I see him laughing at me.  Catch me Harry, he's saying.  Catch me Harry.  Don't worry.  I'm coming for you Scorpio.  (Takes out gun and loads it).


Police Captain:  For Christs sake.  Ok.  You go and get Scorpio.


Harry:  I'm coming for you, Scorpio.  I'm coming for you.



Next Scene:  At the Movie Complex (With Return of the Jedi showing)


Peter:  'Movies.  I hate Movies.  Especially Star Wars movies' (eyes narrowing).  He brings out his bazooka and blows up movie complex.  Drives off.



Next Scene:  Harry, driving past movie complex slowly, looking at flames.  


Harry:  I know your responsible for this Scorpio.  And I'm coming for you Scorpio.  (Drives off)



Next Scene:  Home, watching movie complex burning on TV


Meg:  Dad's gone insane


Lois:  Mmmm



Next Scene:  At Toy Store (With Star Wars toys advertised)


Peter:  'Toys.  I hate toys.  Especially Star Wars toys (eyes narrowing).  He brings out his bazooka and blows up the toy store.

Drives off.



Next Scene:  Harry driving slowly past burning toy store.


Harry:  I can smell you now, Scorpio.  (slowly drives off)



Next Scene:  At home.  Burning toy store on TV


Meg:  What are we going to do?


Lois:   Mmmm.  I have an idea.



Next Scene:  At Police Station


Harry:  'I'm getting closer.  Something about Space Invaders.'


Captain:  'The suspect is believed to be a deranged Star Wars fan, bent on revenge.'


Harry:  'Scorpio must hate Space Invaders.'


Captain:  'Yeh.  Yeh, you go catch our Space Invader.'


Harry:  'I'll need some quarters, captain.  For those Space Invaders.'


Captain:  'Oh, yeh sure' (Starts to give him some of his change.)  'What the hell,' (realizing what he is doing.)  'Just get the hell out of here.'


Harry:  (As he is leaving)  'I can get some coins at the laundromat, Scorpio.  And then your high score is mine.'



Next Scene:  Harry playing Space Invaders in front of store


Peter drives past store and mumbles 'Your ass is grass George Lucas.  Nobody screws Peter Griffin.'


When car has left scene Harry looks up and turns his head looking around suspiciously, saying 'I can feel your heartbeat Scorpio.'



Next Scene:  At the town library


Peter:  Books.  I hate books.  Especially Star Wars books (eyes narrowing).  (He brings out his bazooka)


Harry:  Freeze, Scorpio.  (pointing gun at Peter)


Peter:  Jedi (looking at Harry).  I hate Jedi.  (he clenches his fist but nothing happens.)

Peter dressed as Yoda appears on Peters left shoulder.  'Your powers are useless against the good side of the force.'

Peter dressed as Emporer appears on right shoulder.  'Didn't I kill you.'

Yoda takes out laser gun and shoots Emperor.

Emporer, dying, says 'Touche.'


Lois: (suddenly appers with Meg following).  Don't shoot!  (Rushes up to Peter)


Peter:  You don't know the power of the dark side.


Lois:  I know there is still good in you.


Peter:  It is, too late for me.


Lois:  Then how about this (and Mark Hammill and Harrison Ford show up, dressed as Luke Skywalker and Han Solo.)


Mark:  We heard your our biggest fan, Peter.


Harrison:  And we wouldn't want to disappoint our fans.


Peter:  (A tear wells in his eye)  I love you guys (and hugs them both)


Mark:  (to Harrison)  Lucasfilm does not pay us enough for this crap.


Harrison:  Tell me about it.


The three of them pose in camera shots, and Harry starts appearing in some shots with them.



Next Scene:  Peter being arrested by Harry, handcuffed and put in police car


Harry:  Your coming with me Scorpio.


Lois:  I'll wait for you


Peter:  I love you


Lois:  I know.  (Police car drives off)



Next Scene:  Home


Brian:  So, Peter has returned to the good side


Lois:  It took some persuading, but we got him in the end


Brian:  But the judge sentenced him to 40 years in jail


Lois:  I have a feeling we will be seeing Peter soon enough


Brian:  What do you mean?


Stuey:  Yeh, what gives


Lois:  He entered into an arrangement after the trial. Early release for good behaviour.  Special service to the Star Wars community.  George Lucas vouched for him.


Brian: What gives?



Final Scene:  Peter on board Star Trek USS Enterprise


Peter:  Clenching fist.  Spock collapsesto the ground, next to Kirk, Uhura, Sulu, Scottie and Bones.


Peter:  'Roddenberry or Lucas.  What you going to do, huh?  Heh. heh. heh.'



THE END